Week 17

Went to the doctor today. Everything's fine.

Next Friday is my next ultrasound - hopefully the little one will cooperate and we can tell if he's a him or a her.

Matt is actually acting like he gives a crap this week. So that's nice.

Still have fleas. Although considerably less. You'd think 5 canisters of fogger would do the trick, but no. My floors are currently covered in 20 Mule Team Borax. This stuff is supposed to be miraculous. We'll see.

Still nesting. Shannon came out over the weekend and helped me clean and rearrange. Other than my coffee table, my living room looks great. My kitchen is getting there, the bathroom now has storage, and I haven't even touched the bedroom. I'm kind of afraid of the bedroom, to be honest.

Not much going on. Bored bored bored. Really bored. I keep agreeing to babysit for friends while they go off and do fun things without me. It's kind of depressing.

I would kill for a back rub and a cuddle.

16 Weeks

Having weeks to go by is great, because it saves me the trouble of having to think up a clever title. Sometimes I just don't have one.

Well, I'm definitely showing now. Not in an "Oh my god you're huge" sort of way, but in the sort of way that if I lay down on my back that little bulge above my pubic bone doesn't flatten out. And other people are starting to be able to see it. Soooo...here it is.



I don't really know how I feel about it. Part of me thinks it's cute and exciting...and the other part of me thinks I just look fat(ter) and can't wait to get bigger. That's right, I said bigger. The theory here being that when I get bigger I'll actually look pregnant instead of just looking like I had a few too many twinkies.

I'm still at my pre-pregnancy weight, which my doctor was fine with once I convinced him that I am absolutely not starving myself. That helps. Other than the mixed feelings about the slight tummy, I'm actually feeling pretty good.

Had a bad start to the weekend. Friday night driving home from work, something just hit me. I don't know why, but I just started sobbing. It was horrible. But Shannon came out in the middle of the night and picked me up, and we laughed and talked and set up for her yard sale the next day. Played rummy all day while trying to convince people to buy her crap. We've come to the conclusion that she's my new baby daddy, so I feel better.

Got dressed up and went out Saturday night, which felt great. Got hit on a lot, which upped the spirits. Also, watching the reactions of would-be beau's when I tell them I'm knocked up is priceless.

Sunday went to the county fair with Team Fat Kid and the Spitfire crew to see the demolition derby. It was a long, hot day, and I was exhausted by the end, but it was fun. Hanging out with Gunner, who is 2, while his dad drove in the derby made my day. We learned that goats and horses are terrifying, but cows and sheep are not. Also, he asked me where "The Team" was and if he is a member, which made me laugh. Had him yelling "Hey Fat Kids!" and "Go team go!" which...well...let's hope he doesn't repeat at daycare.

Getting rid of the fleas tomorrow!!!!! (Hopefully) The flea chronicles have been an ongoing saga since the end of July. I have used carpet/upholstery powder. I have used spot on treatment for the cat. I have used a spray that you put on the carpet/upholstery AND the cat. Nothing kills them. The cat has been okay since the spray, but there is no spray for humans. My feet and ankles are covered in flea bites. The only safe haven is the bathroom (I keep the spray in there and the tile is white so I can see the fuckers coming). My house is a disaster area but a. I don't see the point in cleaning until I use the fogger, because I'll have to clean again, and b. I won't get out of the bathtub long enough to try.

So I finally found someone who doesn't have animals of their own to take the cat overnight. (In case of one or two errant fleas). I have to give him a bath tomorrow, treat him again, and then take him over so I can set the foggers while I'm at work. And then cross my fingers and pray that it works because otherwise I will have to give up and move.

Oh...and Matt has now accused me of sleeping with random guys and "fucking up our kid". I haven't seen anybody but him naked in over a year....so I think it has to do with guilt more than anything. I'm guessing he's approaching this from an STD standpoint, as the child is still in utero and I can't really provide a bad example yet.

I think I'll send him the bill for the STD scan I got after I found out he was whoring around. (It came up clean.)

15 weeks

Well, for lack of anything better to do, I think I'm nesting.

At least in my head I am.

Okay, so far I've only done a couple loads of laundry, cleaned the bathroom, and gone shopping. But my apartment looks very clean and homey in my mind.

Planning on getting a buffet or desk for the kitchen appliances, some new drapes and rugs for the living room, getting rid of the ugly love seat nobody sits on and getting a desk.

Rugs are proving to be more difficult than I thought. How come everybody HAS old, crappy persian looking rugs, but nobody wants to sell them on the cheap?

Also got some book shelves and I'm thinking about slapping some paint on the coffee and side tables.

Probably bagging up 70% of my clothes to give away. And I need to get a vacuum. The handheld just ain't gonna cut it anymore.

Once I get all this done, all I have to do is maintain it for the rest of forever. No big deal, right?? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

Gone Like Yesterday

He's gone.

Tuesday afternoon I didn't make him leave the house when I left for work.

Tuesday night I went home early to find a girl on my couch.

His mom found him Wednesday afternoon and took him home to Canton.

He is apparently undergoing psych evals once per week for the forseeable future, and will be treated for bipolar disorder as well as depression.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

The only thing that I can't really afford on my own is day care, but that's a big hurdle. I have applied for home access at work, and I will work on getting a computer.

Maternity leave is unpaid as it falls under FMLA leave. I have started a baby savings and have enough for one month of expenses right now. Hopefully I will be able to save enough for at least another month of leave as well as any emergencies.

The thing I am most worried about is being alone. Well meaning friends and family keep telling me that I am not alone. But the fact remains that when I go home tonight, I will be. And tomorrow. And next week.

I worry that I will have some sort of medical emergency.

I worry that once the baby comes I will never ever shower, eat, or sleep, because there will be nobody there I can hand the child to and say "Here. Take this."

After the last 3 months, I really didn't expect much from him.

But I really didn't expect this.

I should have.

Gross.

***Warning. As the title implies, there are a few things here that are gross. If you don't want to know that much about my bodily functions, you should stop reading now. Seriously. Okay...well, if you're still here, I don't want any complaints about TMI later.

So I went to the doctor for my monthly appt. They weighed me and took my blood pressure. I lost a couple of pounds and was accused of not eating or cutting calories. Ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. No. It was the first time I have ever been in trouble for losing weight.

Really it was the sort of appointment that could have been called in. They didn't poke me with anything and they didn't make me take off my pants.

Oh - scheduled the next ultrasound. It's the anatomy one. So on September 4th I *should* know what the gender is. Hopefully.

I've been reading my "What to Expect" manuals every time something weird happens. There is extensive coverage on constipation and hemerhoids. There is one teeny little passage about internal hemerhoids and broken blood vessels. I would like to know why there isn't an entire chapter, printed in bold letters, entitled "Don't freak out if your butt bleeds a little." Because there should be.

2nd Trimester

My pants have not been buttoned in about a week and I'm okay with that. I have an awesome contraption made out of cotton and spandex called the belly band, and it's basically the bottom half of a shirt. It covers the fact that my pants are not buttoned in a highly fashionable way. I don't think I'll ever button my pants again, as long as these things are available.

Supposedly I'm going to feel more energized soon. Maybe instead of napping on the couch I'll have the energy to go somewhere else and nap. Sleeping under trees is good. Apparently, sleeping in bed is not so good. I can't seem to sleep at night and I can't stay awake during the day. It makes me want to throw things and cry. Sometimes I do throw things and cry, and that helps.

My mini vacation was good. I spent most of it helping Marie prepare for the wedding, as intended. So there wasn't a whole lot of relaxation, but at least there wasn't any frantic running back and forth from work, trying to get things done and failing miserably. Went to the zoo with Shannon and the kids last Wednesday. Between helping to run herd on the infant, the toddler, and also helping Shannon's mom get around, I think I got my exercise for the next month. Then, wedding prep, loading and unloading vehicles, shopping, and dancing the night away at the big event... I'm wiped. I'm also good on being social for the next little while. I just want to chill out by myself and read.

Going to the doctor tomorrow for my monthly. I don't know what he's gonna do except root around in my nether regions and tell me if everything looks normal. Probably order a whole bunch more blood work so I can go back to the hospital and let them torture me. (Yes, I finally went. They wanted six vials of blood. SIX! And a nurse made fun of me for my needle fear. Because I have tattoos. How many times to I have to explain that tattoos don't go in your veins??)

Will post again if anything weird happens.

It Just Keeps Getting Better

Okay so this week Matt continues to be difficult. Matt had a freakout on Sunday, for reasons unbeknownst to either of us. In a desperate attempt to keep him from hurting himself, I called his mom and put her on speaker phone so she could talk him down.

Well, it worked. But, while on speaker phone, his mother did something I didn't expect.

As you may know, Matt and I have been fighting repeatedly because he wants a key to my place to get in when he gets off work. I have refused to give him a key, because he abused that privelege TWICE. In March, he had girls in my apartment, while I was at work, without my permission or knowledge. I found out from someone else. He apologized, and I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I gave him his key back.

In May, he had a girl in my apartment, while I was at work, without my consent or knowledge. I found out from someone else. Only this time, he admitted that he MADE OUT WITH HER. IN MY APARTMENT.

I've been letting him stay with me while we try to figure out how to relate to each other, since I'm 3 months pregnant. He has been upset that I won't give him a key, because according to him, it's been almost 2 months, and he did apologize after all, and he's tired of wandering around all night while I'm at work. Nevermind that there are all night coffee shops at his disposal in the city. There are places he could go.

Now, cut back to Sunday. We are in my kitchen, with his mom on speaker phone. He's been cutting himself and she has convinced him to give me the razor and agree to go see a doctor this weekend. And then I hear this:

"I understand how hard it must be not to have anywhere to go after work. I just can't imagine having to deal with that. I don't think it's right, and I don't think it's fair...but I'm not going to get in the middle of it. If you can't handle that though, just know that you can come home."

WHAT???!!! First of all, saying that on speaker phone while I'm in the room - thanks for the guilt trip. You're right. It's my fault your son cuts himself. It can't have anything to do with him being unable to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Second - there are a lot of things that are unfair about this situation. Now, I'm not a doctor, maybe I'M the one who is disturbed here. But I don't think that precious widdle Maffew having his key priveleges revoked after HE FUCKED ME OVER TWICE is the least bit unfair. Considering that I'm still letting him stay with me, I let him keep the phone line in my name, I've been feeding him, driving him around, taking him to Canton to visit his mother and his daughter, ordering his daughter's birth certificate for him, etc. etc. I think I have been MORE than fair.

Third - If you're not going to get in the middle of something, don't express your god damn opinion on speaker phone with both people in the room!!! That's called jumping into the middle with both feet.

I can't even describe how furious, disgusted, and hurt I am over that comment. I understand a woman protecting her son. But that comment made me feel that she has no respect for me at all. I seriously doubt that would be her opinion if the cheater in question was anyone but her son.

When it comes to things that don't pertain to me and are absolutely none of my business, I have an opinion too. But since this is a public forum, I'll keep it to myself.

I promised last time that I wouldn't bitch but I didn't expect to be passive aggressively barbed by his mother.

Oh yeah - this week I'm 12 weeks. Woo hoo.