How to go grocery shopping by yourself with a small baby.

We have a system. It's a good system as long as I dont need that many groceries.

First of all, it helps if you have a good baby. (Have I mentioned that Layla is damn near angelic? Oh, I have? Well let me say it again. She's awesome.)

This is because if your baby is crying in the grocery store, people will look at you like you must be pinching her. They will whisper in asides to one another. "That baby isn't happy. Why doesn't she do something?" and other such nonsense. They don't care that the child is neither too warm nor too cold, is dry, has already rejected a fresh bottle and 3 varieties of binky, and simply wants to go home. But you can't go home, because there's no food there, and this is where they keep the food.

So. Having a good baby is definitely a plus.

First things first I find a parking spot near the cart corral, so I can just snag one right there instead of carrying the car seat thru the lot. Why don't I use a stroller, you ask? Have you ever tried to push a stroller and a shopping cart at the same time? It's ridiculous.

The baby's carrier goes into the basket of the shopping cart. This is why my system is best if you only need so many groceries. I can't put the carrier on top of the seat thing, because although I'm fairly certain it would be safe, I'm less than 5 feet tall and I can't see her if she's way up there.

I shop the way my mom always shopped. It's force of habit. Through the produce, all the way around the outer edge of the store, then up and down the aisles. Items are strategically placed around the baby seat in such a way that they probably wont topple over onto her, but if they do for some reason, she wont get hurt or cold. Milk and ice cream actually goes under the head of the carrier, because they're big and cold and it just makes the most sense.

The tricky part is when we get home. I came up with a system that works pretty much like a relay race with a relay team of me. Luckily I live on the first floor.

Park in front of building. Baby into apartment. Leave her in the car seat in the living room.

Then, run the groceries from the car into the vestibule. Run back and lock the car. Open the security door and move all the groceries to the other side. Let the door shut, unlock apartment door. Move all the groceries from the hallway into the inside doorway of the apartment. Shut the door so the cat doesn't escape. Then move all the groceries from the doorway to the kitchen. Put anything that might melt or spoil away immediately.

Unhook the baby, change her, and give her a toy to lick (she's really into licking things right now.) Then put away the rest of the groceries while simultaneously warming up a welcome home snack baba for the baby and eating something yourself quick before you pass out because you didn't eat before you went to the store. Mostly because going to the store is such a pain that you waited until there was nothing in the house but seven week old oranges and a box of Uncle Ben's.

Some women do this with multiple small children. My mom, for example. I can't for the life of me figure out how.

I'm not allowed to eat.

Can anyone explain this phenomenon to me?

I know it's common.

I have a happy baby. She's sweet and good. She often amuses herself for upwards of an hour while I do things like wash bottles, do laundry, fold clothes, etc.

But the very SECOND I try to eat something, she immediately needs to be held, changed, burped, looked at, SOMETHING.

I don't get it.

I've tried eating in the other room, really fast, over the sink, with the water running, to try to make her think I'm washing dishes.

No good. She KNOWS.

I don't know how she does it. Whatever gene made my mom able to know I was making faces at my brother in a completely different part of the house must have skipped a generation and gone straight to her.

So I eat a lot of cereal. Minimal preparation time, and if I let the baby fuss for as long as it takes me to eat a bowl of cereal, (35 seconds,) that's not so bad.

If she sleeps in or takes a morning nap I sometimes get to have toaster waffles.

Heaven.

Mother's Day

Hope it was a good one for all the mommas out there.

I got to do this:



Ain't she sweet? Dig that teeny poodle skirt!

Many thanks to Debra at AlexaArt Photography for inviting me to be one of her Bombshell Pinups, and for letting me bring my little ladybug.

Also to Kevin for hanging out with Layla while I got my picture took.

How did this happen?

Soooo....I have a boyfriend now.

And, NO, it is not my daughter's father. I wouldn't take him back if you paid me.

Never, ever, ever, in a zillion years, did I think I'd be dating someone this quickly. But we've been friends for years...and it's not like Matt and I just broke up recently. So...yeah.

Most mind blowing thing so far? He changes diapers.

I don't ask him to. He just does it. He will also take the baby from me to give her a bottle or play with her. Holy crap, dude. Totally not his job, but he says he's happy to do it. Leaves me speechless every time.

Matt came by Sunday to see the baby for the first time in a month. It was awkward, but he was nice. (Although, for the record, he tried to get out of changing any more than one diaper. Really, dude? You're her FATHER.) I forbade him to talk to me about anything but the kiddo...if anything else had been discussed I'd have been forced to rip him a new one, which would have upset both of us and therefore, the baby. Bottom line? He fucked up hardcore, but it's over and done with. Moving on.

Layla was 3 months on the 2nd. We had photos done at Wally World, and they turned out really cute. I find myself annoyed, however, that I can't steal the photos from their online store like I can with Sears. Walmart printed words over my baby's face to prevent me from doing this. WTF? I shouldn't be so pissed - yes, I can totally steal the images from the Sears site but it costs twice as much to have pictures done there, and the girl at Sears was not nearly as patient with us.

Happy Cinco De Mayo, people. Last year I got drunk. This year I'm the only one taking care of a small baby, so I'm thinking that instead of tequila, I'll celebrate with Taco Bell on my way home.