Wednesday, September 30, 2009

22 weeks

Nothing going on this week really. Baby kicking a lot more. That's about it.

Don't have energy for any damn thing anymore. Seriously. Sitting upright for 8 hours is draining. This isn't supposed to happen this soon, I don't think. Could be because they keep pumping me full of antibiotics which of course screw up my system and make me sick. This is why I never go to the damn doctor.

Next week they want me to come into work at 8am on a Friday for additional training. I don't get off work until Midnight Thursday night. It's a 45 minute drive. One way. They have got to be kidding me.

Find that I've become increasingly annoyed, angry, and disgusted by guys hitting on me or flirting with me. Even if they are nice guys. I don't know why. It's good for my self esteem, I guess, in a disconnected sort of way, that I'm not completely hideous. But on a very basic level, it makes me want to lash out irrationally. Punch, kick, yell, etc.

I mean, I'm fine hanging out with guy friends until the flattery starts. And then I just completely shut down. It's like nobody really believes me that I am absolutely not even a little bit interested in dating/kissing/banging/being ogled right now, and really I just need someone to swoop in and take care of me. Like I don't really know how I feel and it's their job to show me the light.

Also, the whole "you never call me" thing is getting old. If I don't call you, it's because I'm tired and I can't call every body every day. You can always call me. If you do call me and I take a while to get back to you it's because I'm tired. Or because you keep flirting with me and I don't like it but I can't just tell you that because it would hurt your feelings.

So...yeah. If anybody needs me I'll be on my couch in a bathrobe. Probably eating something.

Monday, September 21, 2009

21 weeks

Well, the past week was interesting to say the least.

Let's see. Tuesday, I think it was, I woke up with the beginnings of a cold sore on my nose. I get them maybe once or twice per year, so while it was annoying and painful, I cleaned it, put some salve on it, and didn't think much more about it.

Wednesday I woke up feeling as though somebody really big had punched me in the face. The pain started in my lower jaw and by afternoon had spread up to my upper jaw and nose, and down to the gland under my ear. All on the right side...the same side as my cold sore.

While it was not bad as long as I took care not to touch was weird enough to have me looking up a family practitioner in my network. Thankfully I got an appointment for the next day. The doctor took one look at my nose and my now swollen face and said "I'm putting you on antibiotics." Apparently, with my immune system all screwy, the cold sore (which was partially IN my nose) presented a perfect opportunity for Staph A. to get into my face and spread. Yuck.

I'm on what seems to me to be a pretty large dose of antibiotics - 4 pills a day for 2 weeks - and am thankfully feeling much better. The baby didn't move around much the first couple of days I took the pills, so I was worried, but now she's boogying around in there again. I'm guessing she wasn't feeling much better than I was.

I have a follow up tomorrow to make sure the drugs are working, and until the sore on my nose heals over, I'm not touching any babies or sick people.

Went out to see Matt this weekend, which was cool. Just kinda lounged on the couch and watched cable. He got to feel the baby kick, which was a very cool moment. You can only feel her from the outside when she really gets going so I wasn't sure it would happen for him just yet.

Luckily the people who care about me are starting to understand that I'm still maintaining a friendly relationship with him for a reason. Which is good because I was really starting to get tired of defending my decision. It comes down to this - while, yes, what he did to me was really shitty, it's not about that anymore. It's about our daughter now. And I just don't see how alienating him until she's born and then expecting him to snap to is going to help anything. I don't see much point in making it difficult for him to be involved. That will only hurt my child. Our child.

Even though we aren't together anymore, I would like my daughter to be able to have both parents with her on birthdays, and at school plays or basketball games or dance recitals. I don't want her to have to choose.

I can't tell the future. I don't know that he will always want to be as involved as he is now. I don't have any idea how it's going to play out. But I know that the right thing for me to do is to put aside my anger and think about our child.

Monday, September 14, 2009

20 weeks

It's very strange to think that my pregnancy is halfway over, when it's only recently started to become real to me.

She kicks me. Constantly. Sometimes it makes me smile that I can feel my daughter in there moving around. Other times it sort of creeps me out. I mean, my daughter is in there. Moving around. It's hard to explain why it's sort of creepy. But when I can feel her move she's not just a concept anymore I guess. People descibe feeling the baby move as different things - to me it feels like exactly what it is. Someone trying to get comfortable in a very small space.

I feel like I'm growing by the minute. And I keep catching myself doing very cliche pregnant things already - like walking around with a hand pressed to the small of my back.

Matt came up again for the weekend and we started my registry at Babies R Us. The big stuff was easy, but once we got into the little stuff it got overwhelming. I'll have to go back with a mom friend, because for the most part I was looking at this list of stuff they claim I need going "but WHY? What does it DO?"

Also, why do I need a pack and play, a full size swing, a travel swing, a crib, a cradle, and a bassinet?? I live in a 1 bedroom apartment. The crib is going in my bedroom. 2 feet from my bed. I could see MAYBE a bassinet if I had more bedrooms. Or if I lived in a 2 story home. But the amount of stuff they claim you need is ridiculous. I know they just want to make money. I know it's all marketing. But really? A crib and a cradle and a bassinet? No.

I think for now I'll manage my registry online. Hopefully it will cut down on the panic attacks.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Just don't buy me pink, okay?'s a girl! I'm a teeny bit disappointed, but I think I'll get over it.

***Update!! I registered for a bunch of cute stuff online, and I looked at some more baby names, and I listened to Derek and the Dominoes....and I'm not so much disappointed anymore. See? Told you I'd get over it.***

Heart looked good, kidneys looked good, ten fingers, ten toes, etc. etc.

She has her daddy's nose.

The only name I like is Layla. So of course my mom hates it. Because that's how these things work, right? She insists that people will call the baby "Lay". I insist that they won't. Besides, according to that logic, my nickname should have been "A man" and it wasn't.

Let the games begin!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

18 Weeks

It's Wednesday. I haven't seen a flea since Sunday.

I caved to the fact that summer was officially 10 days long and bought pumpkin and apple candles. I fell asleep last night with visions of pumkin pie dancing in my head. My whole apartment smells awesome and is the perfect kind of chilly - the windows are cracked for fresh air, and the blanket is with me at all times.

Matt came up for the weekend and moved furniture, washed dishes, cleaned the litter box, and hung curtains. We did not fight, argue, or call each other names. It was nice.

Friday I have my anatomy ultrasound. I'm incredibly excited.

Oh, and I almost forgot...I felt the baby move for the first time last week. He kicked me when the shower suddenly went cold. Since then I can feel him when he moves suddenly or when there is pressure on my abdomen, like when I lay down or the cat lies on my belly.

It's very weird.