Friday, July 31, 2009


***Warning. As the title implies, there are a few things here that are gross. If you don't want to know that much about my bodily functions, you should stop reading now. Seriously. Okay...well, if you're still here, I don't want any complaints about TMI later.

So I went to the doctor for my monthly appt. They weighed me and took my blood pressure. I lost a couple of pounds and was accused of not eating or cutting calories. Ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. No. It was the first time I have ever been in trouble for losing weight.

Really it was the sort of appointment that could have been called in. They didn't poke me with anything and they didn't make me take off my pants.

Oh - scheduled the next ultrasound. It's the anatomy one. So on September 4th I *should* know what the gender is. Hopefully.

I've been reading my "What to Expect" manuals every time something weird happens. There is extensive coverage on constipation and hemerhoids. There is one teeny little passage about internal hemerhoids and broken blood vessels. I would like to know why there isn't an entire chapter, printed in bold letters, entitled "Don't freak out if your butt bleeds a little." Because there should be.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

2nd Trimester

My pants have not been buttoned in about a week and I'm okay with that. I have an awesome contraption made out of cotton and spandex called the belly band, and it's basically the bottom half of a shirt. It covers the fact that my pants are not buttoned in a highly fashionable way. I don't think I'll ever button my pants again, as long as these things are available.

Supposedly I'm going to feel more energized soon. Maybe instead of napping on the couch I'll have the energy to go somewhere else and nap. Sleeping under trees is good. Apparently, sleeping in bed is not so good. I can't seem to sleep at night and I can't stay awake during the day. It makes me want to throw things and cry. Sometimes I do throw things and cry, and that helps.

My mini vacation was good. I spent most of it helping Marie prepare for the wedding, as intended. So there wasn't a whole lot of relaxation, but at least there wasn't any frantic running back and forth from work, trying to get things done and failing miserably. Went to the zoo with Shannon and the kids last Wednesday. Between helping to run herd on the infant, the toddler, and also helping Shannon's mom get around, I think I got my exercise for the next month. Then, wedding prep, loading and unloading vehicles, shopping, and dancing the night away at the big event... I'm wiped. I'm also good on being social for the next little while. I just want to chill out by myself and read.

Going to the doctor tomorrow for my monthly. I don't know what he's gonna do except root around in my nether regions and tell me if everything looks normal. Probably order a whole bunch more blood work so I can go back to the hospital and let them torture me. (Yes, I finally went. They wanted six vials of blood. SIX! And a nurse made fun of me for my needle fear. Because I have tattoos. How many times to I have to explain that tattoos don't go in your veins??)

Will post again if anything weird happens.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

It Just Keeps Getting Better

Okay so this week Matt continues to be difficult. Matt had a freakout on Sunday, for reasons unbeknownst to either of us. In a desperate attempt to keep him from hurting himself, I called his mom and put her on speaker phone so she could talk him down.

Well, it worked. But, while on speaker phone, his mother did something I didn't expect.

As you may know, Matt and I have been fighting repeatedly because he wants a key to my place to get in when he gets off work. I have refused to give him a key, because he abused that privelege TWICE. In March, he had girls in my apartment, while I was at work, without my permission or knowledge. I found out from someone else. He apologized, and I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I gave him his key back.

In May, he had a girl in my apartment, while I was at work, without my consent or knowledge. I found out from someone else. Only this time, he admitted that he MADE OUT WITH HER. IN MY APARTMENT.

I've been letting him stay with me while we try to figure out how to relate to each other, since I'm 3 months pregnant. He has been upset that I won't give him a key, because according to him, it's been almost 2 months, and he did apologize after all, and he's tired of wandering around all night while I'm at work. Nevermind that there are all night coffee shops at his disposal in the city. There are places he could go.

Now, cut back to Sunday. We are in my kitchen, with his mom on speaker phone. He's been cutting himself and she has convinced him to give me the razor and agree to go see a doctor this weekend. And then I hear this:

"I understand how hard it must be not to have anywhere to go after work. I just can't imagine having to deal with that. I don't think it's right, and I don't think it's fair...but I'm not going to get in the middle of it. If you can't handle that though, just know that you can come home."

WHAT???!!! First of all, saying that on speaker phone while I'm in the room - thanks for the guilt trip. You're right. It's my fault your son cuts himself. It can't have anything to do with him being unable to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Second - there are a lot of things that are unfair about this situation. Now, I'm not a doctor, maybe I'M the one who is disturbed here. But I don't think that precious widdle Maffew having his key priveleges revoked after HE FUCKED ME OVER TWICE is the least bit unfair. Considering that I'm still letting him stay with me, I let him keep the phone line in my name, I've been feeding him, driving him around, taking him to Canton to visit his mother and his daughter, ordering his daughter's birth certificate for him, etc. etc. I think I have been MORE than fair.

Third - If you're not going to get in the middle of something, don't express your god damn opinion on speaker phone with both people in the room!!! That's called jumping into the middle with both feet.

I can't even describe how furious, disgusted, and hurt I am over that comment. I understand a woman protecting her son. But that comment made me feel that she has no respect for me at all. I seriously doubt that would be her opinion if the cheater in question was anyone but her son.

When it comes to things that don't pertain to me and are absolutely none of my business, I have an opinion too. But since this is a public forum, I'll keep it to myself.

I promised last time that I wouldn't bitch but I didn't expect to be passive aggressively barbed by his mother.

Oh yeah - this week I'm 12 weeks. Woo hoo.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

11 weeks

So according to the books, this week the little one is about the size of a plum. He's growing fingernails (I wonder if that hurts?) and moving around a little bit. I can't feel it of course, but yeah.

I'm noticing a little tiny bit of a belly now. It's not so much that it's any bigger - it's just kinda filled up the flab I had there before...which actually kind of makes my stomach look better, really. My jeans are just a little tighter now. Not a big deal. I just pull an Al Bundy when I sit down. I did that half the time anyway.

Fighting with Matt has been getting worse. We had a blow out yesterday morning, complete with screaming and slamming doors. (Him this time, not me. Ha!) By last night he was apologetic but I just don't know what to do any more. It's getting ridiculous and I'm fed up. I can't take care of him and a baby...and he just can't seem to take care of himself. And every time I say no about something he throws a serious, full-blown, 2 year old temper tantrum. He's made a new set of promises that I don't even want to hear anymore. And on top of that - it makes me really uneasy when guys cry. I know that sounds sexist but I don't really care. I mean, a few tears here and there, okay. You're sensitive. That's maybe even a little sweet. An "Aw, he has a heart" moment. But if you are outright sobbing somebody had better be dead. Seriously.

Missing my mom. She went back home yesterday morning. I wish she didn't live so far away, but I really really really don't want to move to Florida. It's just never been a dream of mine.

I've been doing pretty good with putting my money away in preparation of maternity leave, hospital, etc. I started a new account today just for baby expenses. I still haven't gotten a bill from my first doctor's visit - so maybe my insurance is better than I thought? Or maybe they're going to hit me with the bill on my next appointment. Oh, and next week I HAVE to go get my bloodwork done. I expected them to do it at my OB visit, but they just gave me the paperwork ordering it and told me to "just go anywhere". What the hell does that mean?? What kind of doctor am I supposed to call for this? Is there a list? Ugh. Plus I hate needles, so I've been putting it off.

Now before anyone starts with the mocking, smirking, "you'd better get used to it, kiddo" crap...I KNOW. I know that I'm going to have to do unpleasant things that I don't want to do, such as repeatedly letting people jab me with needles, carrying a purse, making several trips, etc. I don't know where people keep getting the idea that I'm a complete moron, but I am fully aware that my life is going to change. I am fully aware that there are things I will do that I never did before, because I have to. I am fully aware that a baby is not an accessory but a little needy person that I will have to take care of and worry about for the rest of my life. And I'm tired of hearing about how horrible having children is from people who raised me. It's hurtful and unneccesary.

Well...I feel better. I'll bitch less next time.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Total Lack of Concentration

What a week. My mom made it here safely on Wednesday, and we've been having fun hanging out. I always forget how fun and funny she is. Awesome.

I've been soooo tired this week. And I cannot seem to concentrate on anything. I'm resolving to be more focused next week. For now, thank heaven it's the weekend.

Going shopping tomorrow - I've been culling inspiration for quick, healthy meals from a bunch of places. I'm excited to make black bean chili tomorrow. Also tomorrow I am going out with mom to hang out with the gang at Nolans, and visit with my uncles. I'll have a cran and sprite, please.

Missing Team Fat Kid and the Spitfire crowd. Unless it's a show though, I just can't go in there and deal with the smoke and the beer. It makes me want those things and I cant have them.

Cant wait for Marie and Ringo's wedding. Since stepping in as last minute MOH I don't feel like I've done enough, though. I know Marie isn't mad at me, but I feel sure I should be doing something else. Bachelorette party next weekend!!! Woot!!! I'm excited.

I'm also excited to go get my outfit for the wedding. The polka dot halter dress just ain't gonna middle has expanded ever so slightly and there isn't any room in there. So I'm gonna hit The Mission for this awesome Lucky 13 halter top I saw on the website, and pair it with my stretchy pencil skirt. All black is better anyway.

Baby has fingers and toes this week!!! Sweet!

Monday, July 6, 2009

10 weeks

I decided I should start a pregnancy blog. Partly so people who want to be updated can be (it's exhausting to call or text everyone individually), but mostly for me. If all goes well, it will be so I can remember all the little joys. If not, well, it will serve as a reminder of why not to do this again. I hear people tend to forget either way.

Went on my first official doctor's appointment last week. All seemed fine - doc noticed a wheeze when he listened to my lungs but I reminded him that I had been smoking until recently. Heard and saw the heartbeat on an ultra-sound....amazing. The doctor couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler, and I was really worried...but it turns out the baby was just hiding. My due date is February 4th - 2 days before my birthday.

I'm impatiently awaiting summer here in Clevo. I'm so tired of being cold. And it will be winter again in about five minutes so I'm starting to get ticked off. Ugh.

Really emotional this week. Kind of feeling anti-social, which sucks because my mom is coming to visit this week and I really am excited... Having a hard time dealing with Matt. With everything that has happened it's hard for me to trust anything he says as sincere. I feel like he always has an ulterior motive.

On the other hand, I'm tired of explaining to people why I still have him around. It boils down to this; I don't want to do this alone. And he is willing to be there and do the stupid shit that I really can't count on anyone else for. Need a quick back rub?? Sure. Pickles at 2am?? No problem. I'm not going to call friends, even dear ones, to come and do those things for me. Even if they would.

I can feel things really start to move around in my abdomen now. Not the baby of course, just the shifting around of my organs. It's not exactly comfortable. I am pretty sure I'm going to start showing any minute.

Oh no! Maternity clothes!