Please be advised that this may be Too Much Information for the 3 of you who read this. If you don't want to know weird and possibly gross things about me, turn back now before it's too late. Thank you.
So. There are a lot of things people tell you when you are pregnant. Advice, horror stories, etc. that good intentioned veteran mommies cram into your ear canals whether you want it or not. So there are a lot of things that I was expecting, and did my best to prepare for.
Some things I wasn't expecting?
Female pattern baldness. All the books say that while you're pregnant you shed very little, so once you have the baby you might shed a little more hair than usual. No big deal, right? Except what's going on on my head is not merely "a little more hair than usual". Oh no. It's great big handfuls of hair. It looks like a horror film when I shampoo it, the clumps that come out in my hands. I have to clean the drain screen 2 - 3 times per shower. My hair is noticably thinner at the temples and it bothers me. I tried cutting my long hair off, because it was so damaged it was tangling and breaking and generally contributing to the problem, but the shedding has not slowed. Even more irritating are the little teeny tiny hairs growing in to replace the lost ones, which are starting to stick out the sides of my temples, no matter how much I try to slick them down. I look like the Mad Hatter in the new Alice in Wonderland movie. Not cute.
My body is betraying me?! The other day I tried to stand up with the baby, but went right back into a sitting position on the couch. Crying and laughing at the same time, I tried to feel my stomach muscles to see why it felt like a balloon had popped in my abdomen. No pain, during or after, to indicate a hernia, and yet, that's the only way to explain what it felt like. It felt like someone poking my abdomen from the inside...HARD. It was really strange and I freaked out
for a little while.
One day last week I couldn't put any weight on my right hand (like when getting up from sitting on the floor) without terrible pain. No reason. It went away the next day. Same thing happened 2 days earlier with the second and third toe of my left foot.
And my hips, if I sit indian style for too long, now not only creak and pop, but also hurt and lock up. I had a caesarean! The baby didn't even go through there!! What the hell, man?
Speaking of ceasarean...I was totally not prepared for this scar. It's actually pretty little and cute considering that an entire human came through there, but still. It's not the appearance that bothers me. Oh no. It's the itching. Because the internal organs that were cut open and sewn back together itch too...and now that they've shrunk, they don't line up with the external scar anymore. It's really a very bizarre feeling, to have an itch on the inside. Also? Ingrown hairs, dude. In. Grown. Hairs.
The "Glow" is bullshit. You heard me. That glow everyone talks about pregnant women having is nothing more than god damned oily skin. There is nothing happy and glowing about oily skin. It sucks. And mine has not gone away yet. And for me, oily skin = zits. So here I am, new mom, walking around looking like I went through puberty about 5 minutes ago. Fantastic. She's not my little sister!!!
And finally...Mommy Brain. Another thing I thought was supposed to go away once the kid came out. Maybe it's hormonal, I don't know. But I have forgotten people's names who I am RELATED to. I have had to pause and think about it when asked my own birthday. This is stuff that happens to old people. I am not an old people.