John P. Stamos and I go way back.

Who didn’t love John P. Stamos as Uncle Jesse on Full House?

That mullet. That smirk. Those eyelashes. **sigh**
My 4 year old heard just couldn’t handle it. John P. Stamos was my first “bad boy”, and let me tell you, I’ve been addicted ever since.

My first run-in with John P. Stamos was when I was 5. The Beach Boys would be appearing with John P. Stamos on drums after the Tribe double-header at Municiple Stadium, and my mom decided to take me. I had never heard anything so loud in my whole life. My mom kept assuring me that John P. Stamos was indeed there, but we were in the nosebleeds so the band looked like little ants running around a drum kit to me.

But my primary concern at the time was NOT John P. Stamos, if you can believe that. My primary concerns were A. Is the stadium gonna fall down??! It’s shaking, Mom. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna fall down. B. Are they gonna play Kokomo? What if they don’t play Kokomo? It’s pointless to even be here if they don’t play Kokomo, Mom.

Mom, who also was unconcerned with John P. Stamos, but who just wanted to see The Beach Boys, damn it, was probably seriously questioning her decision to bring a 5 year old along at this point. But they did eventually play Kokomo, featuring John P. Stamos on the drums, as the encore. How on earth did John P. Stamos get into The Beach Boys, anyway?

Fast forward to 13 years later. I was now 18 years old. My aunts took me on a graduation trip to New York City. As a surprise, they bought tickets to Cabaret at Studio 54, starring…you guessed it, none other than John P. Stamos!!! I was thrilled. John P. Stamos was in the role of The Emcee. Molly Ringwald played Sally Bowles. Who knew that broad could sing, eh?

We had tickets to a matinee, and our table was right on an aisle that led down from one of two sets of stairs off of the stage. After intermission, John P. Stamos came down our aisle into the audience, in character, looking for someone to dance with. All of the little old ladies shied away, blushing and looking bashful and flapping their hands at him as if to say “Oh, stop!”. I, however, practically stood on my chair. I put my arm up and yelled, “I’ll go!!!” And wouldn’t you know it, John P. Stamos grabbed my hand and said “You’ll do.” And proceeded to lead me up onto the stage. At Studio 54. During a Broadway Production. Holy. Crap.

So John P. Stamos led me in a lovely little slow dance, during which he teased me about my height, told me I smelled nice, and then decided it was himself who smelled nice after all. When I responded that yes, he smelled like coconuts, John P. Stamos grabbed his crotch and said “Thank You!” with his penis. Then it was time for me to go back to my seat. So John P. Stamos leaned forward, puckered his lips, and coyly tapped them with a finger to indicate that I was to kiss him. Well, I wasn’t going to deny John P. Stamos a kiss, so I smooched him and turned to head back to my seat. It was at this point that John P. Stamos smacked my ass.

Later on, my aunts and I stood outside the stage door in hopes of getting my program autographed. Molly Ringwald, that cunt, “doesn’t do” autographs, but John P. Stamos sure does. John P. Stamos is not above interacting with his adoring public. So I got John P. Stamos’ autograph, and my aunt took my picture with him. But she was really excited. And this was before everyone had digital cameras. So when I had the film developed, I was crushed to find that I had a picture of myself with John P. Stamos’ chin. I had it re-developed, because there is often more on the negative than the photo they actually print out, and I was able to get all the way up to his eyebrows on the second try. So I now have definitive proof that I met, and danced with, John P. Stamos.

John P. Stamos and Rebecca Romijn divorced shortly thereafter. You do the math.

4 weeks to go.

I am paranoid.

I am paranoid that I will go into labor at work and nobody will want to drive me to the hospital because they'll get points on their record and have to use part of their vacation time to cover their hours.

I am paranoid that I will push and push and push only to be told they have to do a c-section after all and they'll pull that sheet on front of my face and I'll be basically disconnected from the rest of my body, not knowing what's going on or what they are doing to my internal organs, waiting to hear my baby cry.

Other than that, everything is fine.

Aunt Becky is giving away stuff again. I like stuff, so I'm completing her questions below. Please excuse any poor language. Aunt Becky is a horrible influence.

1) Dave and I have a long-standing feud over cheese in a can. He thinks it’s food of The Gods while I think it’s probably Of The Devil. Your take?

Of the devil. Definitely of the devil. There is nothing even remotely appealing about that stuff.

2) Is there any way you can think of to make the elder Gosselins go away? I AM ALL EARS.

Ignore them. Stop buying the shitty magazines and for craps sake stop watching that show.

3) Who is your ridiculous “I can’t admit this to anyone in polite company lest I be banned from life” crush?

John Stamos. Except I do mention it. Frequently. I danced with him once, and he kissed me. Didn't I ever tell you that story?

4) If you could fuck it all and pursue your dream (assuming, of course, you were going to be GOOD at it), what would that dream be?

I would be a Broadway actor. The problem here is that I'm an okay singer and an okay dancer... but not GOOD. At least, not GOOD in the way you have to be to make a living out of that.

5) They say “living well is the best revenge.” I think they are wrong. Do you?

I don't know. I guess it depends on the sort of person you are dealing with. I have certain people I know who HATE it when I am doing well (Making more money than them, thinner than them, happier than them, etc.) and that always makes me smile. But if all else fails, there's always the story of the wife whose husband cheated on her, and in the divorce he got the house. So when she moved out, she hid sardines or something in the curtain rods, and after months and months of trying to get rid of the smell and failing, he signed the house back over to her and she lived happily ever after. Or something like that.

6) What is the most humiliation you’ve experienced in public that you’d be willing to admit to The Internet?

Ummm...well, you know, I twisted my ankle hopping off my bar stool once. And I puked in the street on St. Patrick's Day outside the busiest pub in town. And then I fell and scraped my face off and had to explain THAT at work the next day. Then there was the time I was arrested in my pajamas on my then-boyfriend's birthday and he spent the day trying to bail me out. That one was not booze related. It was cake related. I don't want to talk about it.

7) Are you honest with The Internet? Like, if I came over to your house tonight (heh)(I’m coming over, yo)(heh) would I be surprised at who I found?

I used to try to be all thought provoking and deep and crap. And then I realized that that just made me look like a flaming asshole. So now I try not to take myself too seriously, either in person or on the Internet. And, if you come over, could you bring guacamole?

8 ) If you could have one talent that you don’t currently possess, what would it be?

Hmmm. I would like to be able to play the drums. Theoretically, I COULD do this, but I have coordination problems, and drummers need to be able to get all their limbs to do different things at the same time. Me, not so much.

9) There’s not always room for Jello. Is there?

Not always, but usually. Unless it's the sugar free watermelon flavor. That stuff makes my tongue tingle unnaturally and I don't like it.

10) What’s your guiltiest of the guilty pleasures?

I kind of like Justin Timberlake's music. Sort of. A little bit. Also Eminem. I'm a horrible person.

The countdown starts. Also, trying to win free stuff from Aunt Becky.

So today my weekly countdown is officially in the single digits. Um. Yeah. I've washed all the baby clothes and blankets and bedding. I have diapers in sizes NB to 3. I have bottles. I have bibs. I have towels and washcloths and swaddlers and receiving blankets. I have books and magazines and brochures and pamphlets. Will any of this help me? Probably not.

So, on to the winning of the free stuff. Aunt Becky is giving free stuff away if I answer some questions and post a button leading you back to her blog. This is probably pointless because Aunt Becky is one of three people who read my blog, but rules are rules.

1) Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream?
I feel that sprinkles needlessly ruin the integrity of the ice cream. They don't taste like anything. They're there for the sole purpose of trying to make ice cream more fun. As Hank Hill would say, ice cream is fun on its own. Fudge is a completely different story.


2) If you had to choose one word to banish from the English language, what would it be and why?

Moist. I hate that word.

3) If you were a flavor, what would it be?

Glacial Ice or something similar, like you see on Gatorade bottles. The name would give no clues whatsoever as to how I would actually taste.

4) What’s the most pointless annoying chore you can think of that you do on a daily/weekly basis?

Folding clothes. But then again, I don't actually do that (except for towels and items that will wrinkle) so I don't know what I'm complaining about.

5) Of all the nicknames I’ve ever had in my life, Aunt Becky is the most widely known and probably my favorite. What’s your favorite nickname? (for yourself)

Rizzo is the first nickname I have ever had that made fun of my personality rather than my height. I appreciate that.

6) Your stuck on a desert island with the collective works of 5 (and only five) musical artists for the rest of your life. Who are they?

Queen
Billy Joel
Buddy Holly
Stray Cats
Social Distortion

I think the key is to choose artists with really large bodies of work. Queen and Billy especially not only have a lot of music to choose from, but a lot of different styles within their bodies of work. Social D is for when I'm feeling depressed about being stuck on a desert island. People say Mike Ness whines too much, and they're right. But that's what you want when you feel like crap.

7) Everything is better with bacon. True or false?

Absolutely true.

8 ) If I could go back in time and tell Young Aunt Becky one thing, it would be that out of chaos, order will emerge. Also: tutus go with everything. What would you tell young self?

Young self is still here...but I guess I would tell her that all that beer was going to make her fat, and that she should switch to lower calorie beverages, such as gin.