25 Weeks

I used to think that the most bodily frustrating feeling in the world was a sneeze or a yawn that wouldn't come out.

I was wrong.

It is infinitely more frustrating to go to the bathroom and, after having JUST PEED, feel like you have to pee.

So I sit. And I wait. And I wait some more. I try leaning forward. I try leaning back. I try drinking water WHILE I'M SITTING THERE. Nothing happens. But I still feel like I have to go.

Everyone assures me this is normal. It sure as hell does not feel normal. It feels like torture. And because I've never done this before, my brain is screaming "Oh god, my kidneys are failing!" I know this is paranoia. But I cannot help it.

I wake up every day at 8am. I do not need to wake up at 8am, nor do I want to. But that's what time my body decides that it absolutely cannot go any longer without food. It doesn't matter that I had a snack at around 3am. What sucks about my 8am wake up call is that nowadays, I have a hard time going back to sleep. (If you call or text me too much before noon, rest assured that while I may not say anything, I probably hate you for the rest of the day. And possibly the day after.)

So what I do is, without completely opening my eyes, or turning on any lights, I shuffle to the refrigerator and open it. I then squint and fumble around in the door, which doesn't require looking directly at the light, until I find the applesauce. This I drink straight out of the jar. Then I put it away and shuffle back to the bedroom to pass back out until at least noon.

It's a lot like being hung over.